7pm Monday 11.09.09
Oh the dark this early just doesn’t feel quite right yet but I am not fighting it. I am in for the night eating my dinner…peanut butter toast and this morning’s coffee warmed back up. I just wrapped up my daily conversation via soup can and a string with, Craig, who always reminds me ‘that I got this,’ just how loved I am and how not crazy I am in his eyes. I see the pink cowgirl pillow on the couch still where he left it- it's almost like he’s coming back soon...maybe just out to get coffee or a trip to the store. I'll leave it there. Funny how fast I got used to having him here- fell right into place. The 'alones' well they're a little harder to shake... but with the soup can and a string- I'm not that gone at all. My dogs, my other constant companions are in for the night as well, curled up sleeping face to butt. It’s cold here in my garage room apartment. I feel the tip of my nose with out even touching it.
I just finished with my Monday practice with Jack. We practice my songs as well as practice new ways of being in the world, to ourselves and to each other. I like our conversations,the tangents,the friendship & the accountability. Lather rinse and repeat. Monday landings keep me sane but the take offs are pretty shaky.
I’ve learned in the last year that it’s an ‘and’ world not ‘or’. Gibson and Martin, The Stones and The Beatles and Black Birds and Cherry Blossoms It still surprises me how much life can change in the blink of an eye and how in one moment you can think you know what the fuck you’re doing only in the next to be floored by your poor choices. Just when I think I have the wings to soar higher than I’ve ever soared I look down and feel the cement shoes and know I'm not going nowhere. Still, my hands reach out trying to touch the silver twinkling stars…they always will. I feel the next year will be like running in sand but in the end I’m sure I will be stronger from it. It’s a good thing I happen to like the feeling of sand between my toes. I am choosing to stay awake. To keep my eyes open. Even if I have to stay in the unknowing. Even if I have to leave the wounds open. With out a crack there is no opening.
I met with an intuitive for the first time this week. I figured it couldn’t hurt. It was interesting the things she told me. She wanted to know if I was already working on my next album. I said ‘well, I am writing new songs’ and she said ‘well, get this album done because you have many more to do.’ I see it that way too… even if it feels like sometimes that it will almost kill me, makes me question myself every step of the way and embarrass myself constantly. I am not sure what else I’d rather be doing. It feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the year and years in this lifetime to do and be everything I want to do and be. And when I think of how far my friends are my heart aches. I can count the ones I love the most on one hand and still have a few fingers left over. I wish we all lived closer. I want to send a hundred postcards every day…the ever so typical message written at the end ‘wish you were here’.
I can see my bed from here where I write this and I am so thankful for the heavy blankets that hold me tight all through the night, that keep me anchored down to my life and the bed that raises me off the floor. I feel such a sense of relief when I know that my old ways of being are behind me. That I have broken up with my old destructive ways.I have deleted their numbers from my phone; I won't be calling them anymore. The year is dying a little more every day and it is also my time now to synch with the season: to also die a little more with each passing day. There’s an apple tree right outside my window whose leaves have fallen all around-whose braches are bare. I know that come spring there will be millions of blossoms all around me and beauty in the air. But for now- I must see the beauty and freedom in the dying and see it’s all part of the circles I am traveling in.
Soup Can and a String (written from this blog)
A life time isn’t enough time to spend with you
Just knowing that you’re out there somewhere
That’ll have to do
Keep connected by a soup can and a string
In the listening In the spaces in between
We are part of everything
We are part of everything
We don’t live on a shelf we don’t fit in a box
I can draw a circle around us in this very spot
We keep connected by a soup can and a string
In the silence in the suffering
It’s in the circles we are traveling
It’s in the circles we are traveling
I wish that we
I wish that we
I wish that we
were closer
When I loose the straight way
You find me when I’m lost
You give me the sun and a place to belong
We keep connected by a soup can and a string
You are unwavering
If there’s a crack there’s an opening
There’s an opening
I wish that we
I wish that we
I wish that we
were closer
Jami Lunde 11.09
Title By Clifford Novey
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