In the last 5 years, I have put all of my eggs in the music basket. I have been asking my music to give me all of the things in my life that had been missing on some level previosly: love, acceptance,approval, friends, peace, growth, connection, community,self expression, self approval, a worthiness, a place to belong, a place to shine from and on and on...
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| Photo Jami Lunde Band Sol Shine Festival by Nate Purcell |
In releasing my 2nd album, Big Black Birds, in Summer of 2011, I have lived so many of my dreams, played with so many amazing musicians, and played my songs from some stages that some only dream of...I have also played hundreds of corners, empty rooms, patios, beer gardens, barns and up against walls...just trying to be heard...often times, ignored, TVs flashing all over the room. I get to watch more sporting events than I've ever cared to, all the while, singing the songs of my soul...It's a really strange and sad place to be. I chalk it up to paying my dues. That it is character building. That it will make me a stronger performer. In the past few years, I have only pulled the plug on two shows,mid show...when the discomfort of playing a certain situation (Like the next band loading in all thier gear, right in front of my mic while I was playing a solo outdoor show, moving tables all around and in general disregarding me in every way...and one time, playing to an empty, tin-y sports bar, with TVs still on...not even turned down...) Both events caused crushing. Crushing to all that is good in me. So I made deals with myself, saying 'well, I won't play there anymore...' 'I have to set higher standards for myself...' In some ways I've honored those things and in other ways I haven't.
Most of the time, I play for free...with the hope of getting tips,a cut of the door, or selling CDs and finding the people who want to hear my music...Some times I get lucky and get paid. I try to do venues favors, playing for nothing, while trying my hardest to bring a crowd with me...(all of whom already have my CD) maybe making $20...In the past 5 years, I have always paid my band mates regardless of if I get paid or not... and after doing my taxes in 2012, I realized that most shows cost me $75-$100 to play. So if a venue doesn't pay me, promote the show on their end, put up my poster or do any online shout-outs, by the time I go on stage the wind is out of my sails...knowing before I even start that my last $100 is going to pay for playing...often times to no one... No one likes to admit that. I won't speak for anyone but me...but I will say, I don't draw much of a crowd. I don't think it's because I am not talented..I am the best I've ever been. I think it is because I am not the party girl...I am not the cover band, I don't play up beat string band music, and I won't hippy jam band anyone, ever...So I try and find my way through the tighest cracks...trying to find the open doors...
In the past few months, I can't tell you how many people I run into who I am Facebook friends with, who comment on how great things are for me. How I am just living the dream. How envious they are of my life. I wonder, am I telling lies on Facebook? (I am not.) How can they not see what a struggle my life is? It is my choice, Yes, I know. This is all my doing. It's what I thought I was meant to be doing...With in the last week or so, what I've realized is that my well is empty... The disappointments, let downs, rejections, and stress have all taken their toll on me... All I can hear in my head are people who are more successful that me, saying 'And You thought the music industry was gonna be easy!?' or just laughing at me... I try to quiet that voice, but lately my reality has been so devestating that the voice is getting louder and louder.
Yes, I am borderline crazy. I have suffered my whole life with depression and in the last 3 1/2 years since I quit drinking, my anxiety has become so severe, that I can barely go out. I am so sensitive to all things: drunk people, cigarette smoke, loud TVs, and small talk. I may hide this...but if you look closer, you'll see. I arrive to the show at the last minute and I am packed up and back in my car with in minutes of the show being over. I'd rather drive 3 hours back to the safety of my own bed than sleep in someone's spare room or on their couch...Many times, I sleep in my car...and I am OK with that...or I have been ok with that. The reality of that is that all the isolation, leaves me isolated and alone... not much room for creating the relationships that I was once so much part of... or that I need in my life.
I've lost the majority of my friends... and the friends I do have are musicians...who are busy with their own shows and their own issues... I have moved away from my community in Lyons to be with my boyfriend...but I have no friends here besides him... So I spend a great deal of time alone. Which is something not only am I used to, but now I've become so accustomed to it and I have this incredibly annoying thing called 'Misophonia' (google it) And It is ruining the relationships that I do have and makes my quality of life down right dismal.
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| Photo: Craig Story Tahiti |
So... what I've come to realize is that...I need a break. I need to refill my well with things other than music...I need to create a more balanced life. I need to find the things that make me happy... That aren't soul crushing. I need to feel the sun on my skin, spend countless hours in the blue and the green, get lost on some dirt road in a place where I don't speak the language. I need to do things that actually fill me up and make me smile...somewhere along the way, I've lost most all of that. That was never my intention but it is my reality...or at least it's the reality I am choosing to believe...yes, I know that too... I can choose another way to look at things...but at this point, I just feel so empty that I can't muster up the energy to work up different ways of looking at things...
Blah Blah Blah...yes I know, there are many more people in the world with bigger problems than this...and perhaps that's what I should be focusing on...getting outside of myself, doing something for someone else...something that doesn't revolve around ME...creating music, writing songs, playing shows or self promotion.
In the past year I've been tuning in to the musicians who are way more down the road than I am...who have like 10 album under their belts...the ones who talk about their struggles, their doubts, their depression and anxiety...and I know there's an ebb and a flow, highs and lows, ups and downs, good times and bad...and that we must take them all in stride... I know that, for me...music can't be my only hat. It can't be the end all (although that's how I've treated it, how I've come to expect it, and how I've needed it to be).
This whole journey, from leaving the life I used to know and all the security that came along with it, to the new starts and fresh beginnings, to the highs that were so high and hitting one rock bottom after another...well, it's all part of it. I know that I am traveling in circles...and it looks like I am currently in the belly of the circle...which is a hard rise back up to the top...but I have faith that I will make it back up and out of this dark time eventually.
So for now, I am going to honor the shows I have booked, play my heart out, regardless of audience numbers, work hard and save money so I can get some stamps in my passport, feel the sun on my skin, find the blue and the green and get to the place with in myself, again, that I've lost somewhere along the way. I know music will always be part of my life...I will always write songs and play instruments...but I also know, that I need my well to be full so I can continue to make albums and go where the doors open. I've worn out so many pairs of boots kicking down the doors and my knuckles are bloody from all the banging...There's got to be another way...I still have the wanderlust, so I am searching for this so called 'other way.'
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| Photo of Prue Morrison, Lombok, Indonesia by Jami Lunde |
